


The Newlywed Game

by butterflyslinky



Series: Forever and Always [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe-Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Exhibitionism, F/F, Fili Is Not Amused, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 10:08:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4872787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflyslinky/pseuds/butterflyslinky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's a little competition between cousins?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Newlywed Game

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to "Love Always, Yours Forever," though if you haven't read that one first, all you need to know is that everyone is alive and Gimli and Legolas got together about sixty years earlier than in canon.

Fili was happy for his brother. Truly, he was. Kili had found his One, and she was a good woman, even if she was an elf, and they seemed perfectly happy together, in spite of Thorin’s grumblings.

But Fili had his limits, and there was absolutely nothing acceptable about walking into his and Kili’s shared office only to find his brother’s wife lying on a desk, naked from the waist down, with his equally bare brother between her legs.

Fili slammed the office door shut again immediately. He heard several crashes and a lot of giggling before the door was pulled open again.

“You can come back in now,” Kili said sweetly.

Fili managed to keep his eyes straight ahead as he went inside. “I did not need to see that,” he snapped.

Tauriel didn’t look at all embarrassed. “If it bothers you, you could knock,” she pointed out, getting to work on rebraiding her hair.

“I shouldn’t have to knock on the door to my own office!” Fili moaned. “Especially when you have a perfectly good bedroom!”

“But that’s no fun,” Kili whined. “Besides, we need to practice not getting flustered before Legolas and Gimli get here!”

“Why?” Fili asked. “Are you planning to embarrass them more than we already have?”

Tauriel smirked. “Not exactly,” she said. “See, there’s an old elvish game that newlyweds play when there’s more than one couple in one place.”

“Oh no,” Fili muttered.

Tauriel pressed on. “What happens is that the couples compete to see who can get the furthest in the most public place without getting caught. And I just know Legolas will want to challenge me.”

“So the two of you fucking on a desk is just practice?” Fili said. “Because I could give you the full points and just end this before it starts.”

“This is hardly a public place, brother,” Kili said. “After all, it’s my office too. Besides, we thought we should acclimate you to the concept, since we’ll need a judge.”

“No,” Fili said. “You may be married, but you’re still my baby brother and Gimli is still my baby cousin and I refuse to entertain the notion of either of you having a sex life, in spite of all evidence to the contrary. Get someone else to watch that.”

Tauriel pouted. “You’re no fun,” she muttered.

*

Gimli was blushing furiously. “You want us to do what in Erebor?” he repeated.

Legolas shifted a bit. “It’s an old game,” he said. “Tauriel and I always swore we would beat each other at it when we were young…but we don’t have to do it, if you don’t want.”

“I mean…I’m not opposed to showing up my cousin at something,” Gimli mumbled. “It’s just…well, if we get caught, Thorin and my father will both blow a gasket.”

“But that’s half the fun!” Legolas said, his eyes shining. “You should see my father whenever someone gets up to it here!”

“But he’s used to it,” Gimli pointed out. “The dwarves…well, they aren’t likely to look well on it, especially since it’s an elvish tradition.”

“Like I said, we don’t have to,” Legolas assured him. “I can tell Tauriel we won’t be participating and she can have full bragging rights if anyone asks.”

Gimli took a moment to consider. On the one hand, it went against everything he had ever been taught about sex and marriage and what was decent in the world.

On the other hand, his husband was hot as dragon fire and the idea of doing such naughty things with him where others could see was incredibly alluring. And being able to compete with Kili…well, that was an added bonus.

“Hold off on that, lad,” Gimli said, a smile spreading across his face. “I think we still have a dog in this fight.”

Legolas’s smile was dazzling and Gimli knew they were going to get a lot of practice before they left for Erebor.

*

Tauriel looked way too amused when Gimli and Legolas arrived at Erebor. She still managed to keep her composure through all the formal greetings and welcomes, but Legolas could tell what she was thinking of. Kili was even less composed, grinning ear to ear at them, though that could easily be passed off as affection for his cousin and possible misplaced pride in bringing said cousin to a husband, even if he’d almost started a war in the process.

It wasn’t until a few hours later that they were able to gather in the princes’ office for their official challenging and rule agreements. Gimli was quick to note that Fili had not joined them.

“He didn’t want to get involved,” Kili explained. “Said he prefers to remember us as innocent little dwarflings who’ve never even heard of sex.”

“So who’s going to judge us?” Legolas asked. “I mean, there aren’t too many people in the mountain who I know of to trust with this.”

“Relax,” Kili said. “We worked out a deal with the Spy Master. He’s got people to keep an eye on all of us and keep track. They’re all sworn to secrecy as long as we don’t start a war, so we’re covered.”

“Good to know,” Legolas said with a nod. “So, ground rules. Everything has to happen in a place and time someone could easily walk into accidentally to count.”

“Has to be beyond propriety,” Tauriel added. “So just a kiss doesn’t count. Gotta get the hands involved.”

“Whoever gets caught first automatically loses,” Legolas said. “If no one gets caught, this ends one week before we leave and the judges decide who won.” He glanced at Kili. “Anywhere definitely out of bounds?”

Kili considered for a moment. “Probably best to stay out of the treasure rooms,” he said. “Thorin’s better about the gold-sickness now, but he’d probably still get tetchy about elves being in there.”

“Noted,” Legolas said. “You must inform one of the referees of when and where any official activity is taking place, though spontaneous displays count as bonus if they’re properly witnessed. And no calling attention to the other couple if you happen to see them.”

“So what’s the forfeit going to be?” Tauriel asked with a smirk. “Because I know what it is in the Greenwood, but I’m not sure our husbands would agree to that.”

“What’s the forfeit in the Greenwood?” Gimli asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

“Winning couple gets a night with one of the losers,” Legolas said. “I mean, we could use that, if you like…”

Gimli and Kili glanced at each other. “Not really in line with dwarvish custom,” Kili said. “I mean, you’re cute, Legolas, but…no.”

“Dwarves do not sleep with anyone besides their partner,” Gimli explained. “Even if it is in that arrangement. It just feels wrong.”

“Right, so for forfeit…” Tauriel thought for a moment. “Should we just say the losers have to wait on the winners hand and foot for the last week?”

“Good enough,” Gimli said, nodding. “As long as it doesn’t involve sleeping together.”

“All parties in agreement?” Kili asked, a grin spreading across his face.

“Agreed,” Legolas said, and oh, this was going to be fun.

*

“Sure you don’t want to place a bet, Fili?” Nori asked. They were sitting in the tavern, Fili trying to keep a low-profile and Nori looking extra mischievous. “They’re starting first thing tomorrow.”

“No,” Fili said firmly. “I don’t want to know a damn thing about it.”

“You realize you don’t count if you catch them,” Nori pointed out. “Since you know what’s going on.”

“I still don’t want to know,” he snapped. “Mahal’s sake, Nori, Kili’s my brother! Or do you want to hear about every time Ori sneaks off with Dwalin?”

Nori’s eyes narrowed. “I do, actually,” he said. “So I know which one of Dwalin’s limbs should be chopped off first.”

“You’re going to have a time deciding,” Fili muttered. “And that’s not the point! It’s bad enough that they’re all trying to get caught without me having to know!”

“Fine,” Nori said. “But the offer’s still open. Me, personally, I doubt Kili and Tauriel can last more than a week without someone stumbling upon them.”

Fili stood up. “Good night, Nori.”

“Don’t you at least want in on the profits when we sell the stories with their names changed?”

“I said good night!”

_*_

The first major play of the game came a few days later. Oh, there had been a few minor incidents, some groping in dark corners of the corridors, but nothing that could be called a really brave move.

The spy corps members who had been assigned to supervising were a bit disappointed. Clearly elves had a much different view of sex than dwarves did, but the fact that Kili and Gimli were apparently satisfied with merely rubbing their partners off fully clothed left the spies rather bored by the whole affair.

But then the Library Incident happened.

Nori hadn’t actually been on duty right then. Well, not that duty, anyway, more the duty of interrogating his youngest brother about where he kept vanishing to, but he quickly abandoned that line of investigation when Kili and Tauriel entered the library, which was unusual enough to get his attention.

He stayed well back and behind the shelves, where he could see them but they wouldn’t notice him. They both grabbed a book and sat down at a table near the back, both looking for all the world like they intended to spend an entire day reading. Which Nori would believe except for one thing.

Tauriel was wearing a dress. And not just any dress, but a full-skirted dress of dwarvish make, the type she would normally only drag out for extremely formal occasions where she would be introduced as a Princess of Erebor.

And Nori would be a very poor spymaster indeed if he did not know that Tauriel did not wear dresses.

Indeed, she and Kili only stayed in place for half an hour before Kili glanced around surreptitiously before sliding down off his seat. Nori couldn’t quite see him under the table, but he got the gist of what was going on down there, especially when Tauriel started shifting a bit. Her expression remained studiously neutral, thanks to years of being an elf, but Nori knew.

Well. Damn.

*

_Kili and Tauriel got it in the library. Your move._

Gimli stared at the note that had been shoved under his door in astonishment for a good thirty seconds before he crumpled it into his hand. Fine. If that’s how they wanted to play.

“Legolas,” he called. “We need a new strategy.”

“Why?” Legolas asked, wandering into the room.

“Apparently Kili and Tauriel managed to do it in the library and not get caught.”

“Huh.” Legolas thought for a moment. “I suppose they could. Advantage of a long skirt and a short husband.”

“Yes, well, I don’t think we could put you in a long skirt without drawing attention.”

Legolas laughed softly. “No, but we can certainly do better than that,” he said. He leaned down and began to whisper to his husband.

*

Banquets at Erebor tended to be very long and quite boring to anyone who didn’t like listening to ballads, a fact that Legolas planned to use to his advantage. After all, he was expected to keep a look of diplomatic inscrutability at all times, and his father had drilled him incessantly.

Legolas was also very lucky that he and Gimli, along with Kili and Tauriel, were generally seated a good way down the table from Thorin, among the other diplomats from the Greenwood, so there was less chance for Thorin to catch them. The other elves might notice something going on, but they were all familiar with the game and would probably just ignore it.

They got through the first course of the meal before Gimli started, his hand creeping down under the table. Legolas’s breath hitched slightly at the first touch, but then he got himself under control, his face carefully neutral.

The only sign that anyone else had caught it was a slightly raised eyebrow from Tauriel, but the rules strictly forbade her from drawing attention to him. Legolas merely raised his eyebrows back and continued with his meal as though nothing were happening.

Rather unfortunately, there were two things that Legolas had failed to account for when making this plan.

One, Thorin had a nasty habit of glowering at the elves at every opportunity, in-laws or not.

And two, Gimli was fantastic with his hands.

As the evening wore on, and one of the dwarves started an extremely long ballad that everyone was expected to sit through without breaking composure, Legolas found himself having a harder and harder time keeping still and not drawing undo attention to himself. After all, elves were supposed to be composed and stuffy at all times (even though Legolas knew that was actually only for effect), and having Thorin notice something was wrong would not end well for him or Gimli.

Besides, Tauriel was smirking in her “you’re about to lose” way and Legolas was not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing him beaten. And if he could get through this dinner, he and Gimli would definitely be ahead in the points. You don’t get much more public than a full court banquet, after all.

Focusing on the competition got him through the first five verses, by which point he was at least able to stop eating, citing the delicacy of his elvish stomach as an excuse. The dwarves tended to laugh at how little their visitors ate, but Legolas didn’t care at that particular moment. He had enough brain power left to be amazed that Gimli was able to not only act completely unfazed with one hand under the table and doing many naughty things, but that he was able to carry on a conversation in comprehensive if accented Sindarin while doing it.

Then again, Gimli had spent the last six months having to carry on conversations with Thranduil while not hitting something with an axe.

This was a perfectly reasonable comparison.

In the end, Legolas managed to keep most of his composure through the entire banquet, though he did end up tuning out the ballad near the middle when Gimli managed to not only undo the laces on his breeches with no one noticing, but actually get his hand inside. No one exactly blamed Legolas for zoning out right then, though he did notice through the haze that Tauriel was practically shaking with concealed mirth and even Kili had caught on by now. But Gimli only gave them a quelling look and they remained quiet.

He lasted until the ballad was in the last verse. The only outwards signs of his climax were a slight gasp, a sudden closing of his eyes, and his hand squeezing down on Gimli’s wrist—not enough to attract undo attention, but enough for Tauriel’s eyebrows to fully vanish into her hairline and for Kili’s eyes to go wider than ever. Gimli only guided him through it before gently extracting his hand, smirking at Legolas the whole time.

As the rest of the hall started moving off, Gimli whispered something to Kili, who merely grinned back. Legolas remained where he was, catching his breath and making plans for what he was going to do to Gimli in return.

*

“Full state dinner,” Nori chortled. “Barely even blinked. Either your uncle is completely oblivious or willfully ignorant.”

“He was seated halfway down the table away from them,” Fili answered drily. “And Legolas was very good at keeping his composure, all things considered.”

“Come on, Your Highness, you have to admit their faces were hilarious. Best entertainment we’ve had in months. Who knew elves had that sort of stamina?”

Fili sighed. “How many people noticed?”

“Not too many who weren’t already aware. But I think some suspicions have been raised.” Nori’s grin widened. “Still time to get more in on the betting. Or to give us the filthy details that didn’t happen this month.”

The bar fight was completely and totally not Fili’s fault. The fifteen eyewitnesses who said otherwise were clearly enemies of the crown trying to undermine him.

*

The next few weeks passed in a flurry of mostly minor incidents, though Fili noticed that they were both more frequent and a lot dirtier than before. Now that Gimli and Legolas had very clearly pulled ahead in the points, it seemed that both couples were even more eager to win.

It was a bit nauseating, though the worst had to be when Fili was passing down a hallway that was used fairly frequently only to find Legolas with Gimli pinned against the wall. Gimli was wrapped around Legolas and it was very, very clear that this was a full-blown copulation.

Legolas at least had the decency to blush.

That did not slow them down.

Fili closed his eyes and kept walking. He did not open them again until he was a good long ways away, and he only banged into three walls.

Though he did have to admire the elf prince’s strength. Who would have guessed that such skinny arms could support the weight of a full-grown dwarf?

*

“We’ve got two days,” Tauriel said. “And they are clearly ahead.”

“And very sneaky,” Kili agreed. “So, I suppose the question is, do we concede or do we go for one last giant incident?”

“Oh, we’re not surrendering,” Tauriel said. “If we’re going to lose this, we’re going to lose it as spectacularly as we possibly can.”

*

Dwalin son of Fundin tried to be patient, especially where the heirs to the kingdom were involved.

This was not always an easy task. The princes were young, and impulsive, and given to doing incredibly stupid things. Dwalin was sure that they would grow out of it with time.

And until then, well, he would just have to live with it.

But being patient with them did not mean he wanted to know that shenanigans were going on. And he especially did not want Nori on the wall for any length of time.

“What are you going here?” Dwalin growled.

Nori only raised his eyebrows. “Is it really so hard to believe that I’d want to have a look outside of Erebor now and then?” he asked.

“The enemies are inside the walls at the moment, in case you hadn’t noticed,” Dwalin said.

“If you’re referring to the elves, they don’t really count as enemies,” Nori said. “And you never know. Won’t do to become complacent, Dwalin.”

Dwalin snorted and walked down the wall a ways, continuing his patrol. Nori was up to something, but Dwalin knew it was more than his job was worth to try and interfere with whatever that was.

That is, he knew that until he returned to that place on the wall to find that Nori had not moved, but was watching something just beyond the gate with an expression of mild interest. Dwalin followed his sightline…

And instantly looked away. It was beneath his dignity to blush, of course, but really, that would be enough to do it.

“Is that Kili?” he asked in a carefully casual voice.

“Yes,” Nori said, not looking away.

“And Tauriel?”

“Yes.”

“And they’re…”

“Yes.”

Dwalin was quiet for a minute. “What should we do about it?” he asked.

Nori shrugged. “Well, I suppose you could throw cold water on them.”

Dwalin glared. “I can’t throw cold water on a prince of Erebor!”

“Never stopped you before.” Nori was smirking. “Or would you rather just shout at them?”

“Right.” Dwalin took a deep breath and focused on a rock that was pointedly not in the same direction of Kili and Tauriel. “HEY!”

There was a bit of a thump, followed by a lot of giggling and then footsteps. Dwalin made a point of not looking down until Nori punched his arm.

“They’re gone,” Nori said. “Thank you for helping.”

Dwalin raised his eyebrows. “What was I even helping with?”

Nori grinned. “Winning me a bet.” Then he was gone.

*

“So,” Legolas said, his face amused.

“So,” Tauriel said back.

“If Nori is to be believed, and he usually is when it’s making him money,” Gimli said. “I believe we won. Rather spectacularly as well. Surprised you didn’t go whole-haul and do it on Thorin’s throne.”

“We wanted public, not illegal,” Kili pointed out.

“Even so, you owe us a forfeit, Prince Kili,” Legolas said with a smirk.

“Hang on a moment, Prince Legolas,” Kili said with a smirk of his own. “We do have a proposition for you.”

“And what would that be?” Legolas asked.

“Well,” Kili said. “If you had been paying attention in all those diplomatic meetings this week, you would have taken note that Thorin is sending me and Tauriel into the Greenwood to finish settling the diplomatic nonsense he’s been working on. So…” He glanced at his wife, who looked positively wicked. “Double or nothing on your home turf?”


End file.
